Not the sparkly kind. The kind that’s been alive three hundred years and has very specific opinions about it.

By Gina, GinaStars

This started as a joke between friends about who’d handle immortality the worst, and it turned into a genuinely interesting exercise once I actually thought it through. Living forever doesn’t change your personality. If anything it just gives your existing personality several extra centuries to fully commit to itself.

Here’s how each sign would actually handle becoming the thing that doesn’t die.

Aries

Turned accidentally, almost certainly while trying to prove a point to someone who’s now extremely dead. Doesn’t bother hiding what she is for more than about six months before getting bored of the secrecy and just telling someone at a party.

Has burned through several identities already, not out of necessity, just impatience with paperwork. Fights other vampires for territory she doesn’t actually want, purely because someone implied she couldn’t have it.

Taurus

Turned reluctantly, after a long negotiation, and has spent the subsequent two hundred years building the single most comfortable coffin situation anyone’s ever seen. Silk, proper temperature control, an excellent reading lamp.

Doesn’t feed recklessly. Has a regular, reliable arrangement and treats it the way other vampires would consider beneath them, with actual courtesy. Has owned the same house since the 1800s and will not be moving.

Gemini

Has at least four completely different identities running simultaneously in four different cities, and genuinely enjoys keeping all of them current. Talks her way out of nearly every confrontation with rival vampires through sheer charm and a willingness to lie fluently.

Gets bored of any one century faster than most vampires get bored of a decade. Has probably been married several times under several names and finds this only mildly worth mentioning.

Cancer

Turned the people she loved most, eventually, because the idea of outliving them was worse than any moral complication about the choice. Runs the closest thing vampire society has to an actual found family, complete with somebody’s birthday being celebrated even though nobody ages anymore.

Feeds carefully, guiltily, and has rules about it that she enforces only on herself. Keeps photographs of people who died centuries ago in places no other vampire would think to look.

Leo

The vampire other vampires actually want to be seen with. Owns the best parties in whatever city she’s currently haunting, dresses like she’s aware cameras might exist even though she can’t be photographed, and has genuinely never once apologized for being the most interesting person in a room full of immortal beings.

Feeds with flair. Makes an event out of it. Other vampires find this either inspiring or deeply exhausting, usually both.

Virgo

Has read every available text on vampire physiology and has personally corrected at least three of them. Keeps meticulous records of every feeding, every century, every alias, in a system nobody else understands but that has never once failed her.

Disapproves of vampires who feed messily. Has strong, specific opinions about technique. Outlived everyone partly through sheer competence rather than luck.

Libra

Acts as the unofficial diplomat between rival vampire factions, mostly because the constant fighting genuinely upsets her more than it upsets anyone else. Has personally negotiated at least two territorial truces that held for over a century.

Feeds elegantly, almost apologetically, and has never once made anyone feel like prey. People she’s fed from often remember the experience fondly, which unsettles the other vampires considerably.

Scorpio

The vampire other vampires are quietly afraid of, not because she’s loud about her power but because nobody’s entirely sure what she’s actually capable of, and she’s never once clarified. Has a list, kept somewhere nobody’s found, of every single person who’s wronged her since 1640.

Feeds rarely and only from people who, on some level, deserve exactly what they’re getting. Has outlived several attempts on her existence and has never once explained how.

Sagittarius

Has seen every continent at least four times and refuses to settle anywhere long enough to be considered established by vampire society standards. Treats the entire concept of vampire territory as faintly ridiculous.

Feeds opportunistically, while traveling, rarely twice from the same place. The other vampires consider her reckless. She considers them tragically bored.

Capricorn

Quietly became the wealthiest vampire in three different countries across four different centuries, through investments nobody else had the patience to actually wait out. Runs a respectable human business as a front and has run it better than most actual humans manage.

Feeds efficiently, on a schedule, with zero drama attached. Has never once needed to ask another vampire for anything, which is itself a small flex she’ll never admit to enjoying.

Aquarius

Has theories about vampire biology that the rest of vampire society finds either brilliant or deeply unsettling, depending on how literally she’s willing to test them. Lives somewhere most vampires wouldn’t think to look, by choice.

Feeds in ways that don’t follow any of the traditional rules, mostly because she’s never seen a compelling reason to follow rules a committee of much older, much less interesting vampires happened to write down.

Pisces

Turned during a particularly bad century and still isn’t entirely sure she made peace with it, even after several hundred years to think it over. Feeds gently, dreamily, almost as an afterthought, and remembers every single face long after the encounter ends.

Has fallen in love more times than any vampire should reasonably survive emotionally, immortal or not. Still believes, against significant accumulated evidence, that this next one might actually be different.

What I keep coming back to with this one is how little immortality actually changes anyone. Three hundred years is just three hundred more years to become exactly who you already were, just louder, or quieter, or more set in it than a normal lifespan would have allowed.

If your sign’s vampire sounded uncomfortably accurate, that’s probably the version of you that’s already been showing up for years. Immortality’s not required to notice it.

-Gina

GinaStars.com